Phantom Mine

I’m doing it again.

I’m musing again.

I’m Musing again.

Can you love too much?

I love too much.

It hurts, so much.

I hurt others so much.

There is not enough of me.

So many hearts

And

Not enough lifetimes—

I’m overwhelmed—

You can’t have me!—

Stop asking me!—

YOU’RE HURTING ME, STOP—

BE CAREFUL DON’T COME CLOSER I’LL HURT YOU I SWEAR I CAN’T CONTROL IT PLEASE, I—

Because

I am a monster

A feminine, remodeled work of Frankenstein

More fragile

More fatal

I’m just broken pieces of You

(Why has no one realized this?

Must I tell you everything?)

I’m no one at all, not quite yet

I’m gifted with this wisdom:

I’m

Not

Someone

On

My

Own,

Not

Quite

Yet.

Yet this gift of wisdom is

Not worth it’s curse—

For I scream and bellow

NOT QUITE SOMEONE! NOT QUITE YET!

But those fears and faults,

They come out as kisses.

They come out as the perfect thought

The one you were thinking, right then.

And my cries and tears,

They come out as big smiles.

The curse of it!

You don’t hear my screams

You never heard my screams

You mistake them for laughter

You will mistake them for laughter

(Have you not ever wondered?

Why my laughters can sound like choking?)

An unheard cord

An unseen core

Just sewn bits and pieces of lost souls

That beg you to Stay Away, I’m Dangerous

But it comes out as Come On I’m Safe….

The tragedy of it!

And I’m horrified, beside myself—

Begging “Go away, I’d do anything”

And feeling you ache back

“I’ll stay, you know, as anything”

Yet

NOT SOMEONE, NOT QUITE YET

STOP, YOU’RE HURTING ME

Like clockwork

I grab my body

and run

And you’re left

(You always are)

Betrayed,

Embracing empty air

Wondering how no story ever told you

That ghosts

–Those translucent, lingering, soft monsters—

Look deceptively 

like angels.

All I have for warning

Is this poem.

Because

(Again, how do you not know?!)

‘The breeze underneath poetry

are Ghosts moaning messages

To the still breathing,

To the still beautiful.’

But like my body,

like my time,

like my forever

My heart words can only come out in fragments.

Therefore therefore therefore (I had forgotten my purpose!)–

This whisper through the keyhole

Through the cursed trapdoor

Of ready looks and kind words

That pulls and bans forever Me and You….

Quick!

Before these lines are stolen from me—

I beg You, I beg you to hear this Truth:

I’m not ready, I’m not ready, I’m not ready, I’m not

 

 

Hi, there.

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